Friday, April 27, 2012

Delivery Room Tips for Idiot Men Pt.II

I've got to hand it to Mrs. Blackwell. 

No sooner did I stumble across the article providing tips for men in the delivery room when she forwarded me a link to a similarly ridiculous article from the same website.

This one was entitled, "He Said WHAT In the Delivery Room?" (I particularly enjoy the use of all capital letters on the "WHAT" as it really drives the point home.)

So, here again, I'll dispense with the preamble and jump right in so that we might revel in how male brains migrate toward our rear ends the moment we enter a delivery room.

"Tip #1: Don't complain about your pain"
"Marriage is like a coffin. And each kid is
another nail." This quote is out too?

This one, again. Let me get this out of the way ladies. Men know child birth is incredibly tough. We GET IT (now I get to use the capital letters). If your man is whining about his pain while you're giving birth, well, his embarrassment is your embarrassment. He is after all, your man.

"Tip #2: Steer clear of quoting movies"

Well, this one might bear mentioning. I know plenty of guys who, if deprived of the ability to quote movies, would cease all communication. That said, the delivery room is probably not the time to suggest that, "It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice.

Nor would it be advisable to break out a "Here's JOHNNY!!!" when your baby starts crowning.  Also out: "May the forceps be with you," and "If you push hard, he will come." 

"Tip #3: Watch where you're going"

Fine. Fair enough. Plenty of us guys are clumsy including, and especially, me. I trip over the coffee table on my way to the couch and neither the coffee table nor the couch has moved in two years. 

So, I'll concede this is a good tip. Knocking sterile equipment on the floor and tripping over chords (including those leading to my wife) are distinct possibilities for me amidst the chaos of a delivery room. 
I know. It's tough to believe someone so
obviously cool could be clumsy.

"Tip #4: Keep Your Amazement low key"

Congratulations, heretofore unidentified website, again this is not without merit. There's a lot of craziness    and fluid    in the birthing process and this article states that some guys flip out and say things they shouldn't.

Two anecdotes mentioned in the article (a man likening the placenta to an alien from the movies and another man remarking at how much water his wife expelled) are  actually believable.

I'm sure witnessing the birthing process causes some guys to leave tact and self awareness a mile behind them. 

That said, I'm sure I'll be fine. All of this. Nine months of anticipation reaching this crescendo. Seeing my wife go through birthing. Meeting my son. All of it. 

I am also sure that every other guy who made an ass of himself in the delivery room thought the same thing.   

1 comment:

John said...

This is a very beautiful and interesting article most helping one for all of us and i guess it is least important for the justin bieber
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